Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’ve been friends with “Martha” for 42 years. I’ve always considered our friendship volatile, but I’ve excused her behavior due to her difficult upbringing. As we’ve grown up, not much has changed. She gets angry over nothing and stops speaking to me for sometimes months at a time. As children, it was about things like me making other friends or taking different classes. In adulthood, it’s been more about lifestyle differences, like her changing religions again and again or becoming vegan, and me not cutting ties with people whose views or habits she disagrees with. Despite all this, I’ve always considered her family.

We are both single mothers and had our youngest children in our 40s; mine is 14 and hers is 11. A few years ago, Martha inherited a large sum of money from a wealthy uncle. At the time, she told me that if the inheritance was significant, she would share some with me because, as she said, “We are family.” I thanked her but told her I didn’t expect anything.

Unfortunately, we weren’t speaking when she got the money because of one of these temporary fallings-out, so I didn’t know how much she received, but it was life-changing. She bought herself a house, multiple cars, a condo for her eldest son, and gave her adult children large sums of money. We both have struggled financially, so I was genuinely happy for her and never brought up the offer she had made to give me some of it.

Later, when we started talking again, she told me again that I was family and if I ever needed anything, I should ask. I made it clear I didn’t want to ask her for money, but she insisted she loves me, I’m family, and it’s what she wanted me to do.

Fast forward to about a year ago, my youngest son became self-conscious about his crooked teeth and basically quit smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help with aligners but I couldn’t get the financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to ask Martha for help. It was hard, but she’d repeatedly told me she wanted to be there for me and I stupidly believed her. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 to cover the treatment and promised to repay her. She agreed immediately and told me I didn’t have to, saying, “You’re family and I’m glad to give it to you.” I was overwhelmed with gratitude, literally in tears, and told her I would repay it, but she insisted I didn’t need to.

Now, about a year later, she’s upset with me over political differences. She recently sent me a hurtful message saying I was selfish and that by asking for that money, I was willing to disrespect her to do something for my “real family.” I reminded her of her repeated offers and she said she didn’t expect me to actually ask to borrow money and certainly not for so much if I did. She said my request caused her to be $2,000 short of buying another house, which seems unlikely to me, and I believe her anger is more about our political differences.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to sever ties, send her the $2,000 and move on having learned a painful lesson at the cost of a 42-year friendship. But the other part wants to forgive her, repay the money and continue the friendship. I feel sad, ashamed for asking her for help, and like I should have known better. No matter how hard life gets, I never ask for help, and this is a very harsh reminder why. — Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: True, meaningful friendship shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster, where kindness is offered one minute and weaponized the next. Even when you and Martha are on “good” terms, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and she becomes angry again.

Send her the money back, if you’re financially able to, and distance yourself from this toxicity. Just because you’ve been friends this long doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay and be mistreated.

Dear Annie: I am writing in response to the letter about the friend who was snubbed and not invited to join the group. True friendship is built on respect, kindness and mutual support, not on dismissive or hurtful behavior. The writer sounds like a thoughtful and sensitive person, someone who values meaningful connections, and they deserve friendships that are nurturing and reciprocal.

In situations like this, it’s best to let go of the hurt by forgiving the person — not necessarily for their sake, but for your own peace of mind. Holding on to resentment only deepens the wound. Forgive them, wish them well and move on, knowing that you’re making space in your life for people who genuinely appreciate you. Sometimes, outgrowing certain relationships is a natural part of life, and it can lead to finding deeper and more fulfilling connections.

As painful as it might be, it’s important to recognize when it’s time to release a so-called friendship that no longer serves you. Pray for the snubber, forgive them, and focus your energy on the friendships that uplift and nourish your spirit. — Forgiveness Is a Gift

Dear Forgiveness: I’m printing your thoughtful letter because it highlights the importance of forgiveness, not just for the sake of the person who wronged you, but for your own mental and emotional well-being. Thank you for sharing your insights into one of my favorite subjects — the power of forgiveness.

Dear Annie: We recently moved into a new house, and within just three months, we’ve had a parade of solicitors knocking on our door or ringing our doorbell. After the sixth one, I became so frustrated that I started using the Ring app on my phone to respond to them remotely because I simply didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

However, if I ignore them, they often come back later! It’s like they don’t understand — or care — that they’re not welcome.

To try to solve the problem, we even went out and purchased several “No Trespassing” and “No Solicitation” signs, which are clearly visible from the street. And yet, despite these signs, they still have the nerve to walk right onto our property and ring the doorbell! I don’t understand — what is wrong with these people? Can’t they respect our privacy and follow the obvious signs?

It’s becoming more than just a nuisance; it’s genuinely unsettling. There’s something about strangers knocking on your door uninvited that makes you feel unsafe in your own home. These solicitors are even worse than junk mail or email spammers because, unlike an unwanted message in my inbox, they’re physically intruding on my personal space. I don’t think these people realize just how intrusive and inappropriate their actions feel.

Please, help spread the word that most of us don’t want strangers showing up at our doorstep uninvited. It’s not only annoying but also disturbing to have to deal with this constantly. — Sick of Solicitors

Dear Sick of Solicitors: If you have already put up signs and asked the solicitors to stop, then at that point they are trespassing on your property. Next time you face this issue, consider asking your neighbors what they do. You might even band together and see if the police can enforce a no-solicitation policy in your neighborhood.

With everything you’re bombarded with outside your home, you absolutely have the right to protect the peace and sanctity inside your home.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.